There's a lot weighing on my mind here lately as one would pretty much guess. I've put off blogging this because I simply don't know where to start. I simply want to talk about my Daddy. Please don't stop reading because you think this blog is personal, read because my Daddy was a wonderful man and he loved me so much and I him. My thoughts are here and there so bear with.
As most of you know, my Daddy passed away on March 16th. This was a totally devestating blow to me as my Daddy was my world (aside from my kids) .
When the property below me came up for sale 5 years ago, I along with my siblings, convinced my parents to sale the house I grew up in and buy the house being built below me and they did! We did this not because we wanted them in debt but because we wanted them closer to us kids so we (I) could take care of them. For 5 of the 8 years I've owned my home, my parents have been my neighbors. I can't tell you how many times, I've "lost" one of my children who are supposed to be outside in the back yard playing only to find them at Grandma and Pa's.. WHEW! I want to fuss and tell them how they scared the bejezzes out of me but my parents would shhh me and tell me that they were just visiting with Grandma/Pa. I never gave any thought to the numerous times, I'd look out my window and see my kids riding their bicycles while Pa watched from his chair in the garage. They were free from worries and he was sooo very proud of them. I cannot say my chilren aren't loved because that would simply be a lie. The are loved and they were the light of my Daddy's world.
Growing up my Daddy worked a lot and I do mean A LOT! When he was home, we learned quickly what we could and couldn't do. We knew we DID NOT talk during the news, we knew that we would watch what Dad wanted to watch, no questions. But it wasnt bad (as I look back, if you'd have asked me then I might have had a different answer). As with any parent/child relationship there were rocky times growing up when I thought my parents didnt have a clue what I was going through or simply didnt care, they just wanted to be mean to me.... just saying they were looking out of my best interest, like they KNEW what MY BEST INTEREST WERE! Yes, I was a typical teenager! We've all been there, don't lie! All in all, I can't complain about my childhood because my parents did their absolute best and I think I turned out ok.
After I had children of my own, I grew to understand my parents a bit more. Yes way back when, they did have my best interest in mind and I was simply to young and stupid to know this. I only THOUGHT I had all the answers, when truth be known, I didnt have a clue. Grandchildren have a way of changing a person though. The same man that worked all the time while I was growing up had retired and he spent a lot of time with his grandkids. He'd walk up the hill to my house just to see them and hang out with me or the kids would go to their house and hang out with Pa (he'd sneak them all the goodies that Mommy wouldnt let them have and laugh about it). He'd go outside and watch them ride their bikes and when the news came on, sometimes he didnt bother changing the channel, he's let them continue to watch their cartoons or if he was watching the news, they never got shhhh'd like we did. Yeah, grandkids changed my Daddy and made me respect him even more.
I love my Daddy unconditionally and I never wanted to see him hurt, so when he had a heart attack while driving a few years back, I didnt think twice before I asked him to give me his keys. I didnt ask him to give up driving for myself, I did it for him. When I got the phone call at my office that I needed to go to Methodist because my Dad had been in an auto accident and noone would tell me anything, I was honestly scared. I didnt know if I was going to the ER or the the morge. I was only as I was pulling into the hospital parking lot that I learned where I needed to go, it was an ER nurse and he said that my Daddy had been asking for me and asked him to call me. I told him I was outside and I'd be right in. I wouldnt let my Daddy down. I joked from then on that one day when Dad's in heaven my phone was going to ring and it be God because my Daddy had given him my cell phone number! He'd laugh that laugh only he could do. God I miss his laugh....
I learned of my fathers heart attack after I got to the hospital, over the course of the next year it was in and out of the hospital for one heart surgery after another and finally we was told that at this point there was nothing else they could do for my Daddy's heart. He was over 80 years old and had had so many procedures for his heart that there was simply nothing left to do. The doctor simply told us, we needed to go home and enjoy the time we had left with Dad. That was 3 years ago! He beat so many odds and we shared so many memories after that!
After giving up his keys, my Daddy became dependent on his children and I know he hated it. He didnt like to ask for anything, he always wanted to be the one to give not take. He'd call me up and ask me to take him here or there.... that one stop would usually turn into 3 or 4 and I can't tell you how many times I became irriated because I had things I needed to do too. (my sibilings are guilty of this too, don't let them fool you). Every Saturday we'd make our way to Wal-Mart for loaves of bread, milk and cereal (and that was the extent of his shopping list) occassionally, we'd have to get cat food and dog food. He grew to love those trips because not only he got out of the house, I think he liked to see how dangerous he could be with that motorized shopping cart. My ankles have grown immune to the pain! He'd accidently run into me and I'd make comments .... see Dad, that's why you don't drive! and he'd laugh. (my siblings can vouch for this, he did the same to them). There were times I'd complain about having to take Daddy to the store because whenever he'd call he wanted it done, right then. It didnt matter if you had other plans. He didnt do this because he was selfish or inconsiderate, he did it I think because he was bored and he just wanted to spend time with his kids. Daddy knew how precious time was, because as parents we know these things and as children we are clueless. Thinking back, its like being a teenager all over again... Parents know and children only think they know. Daddy knew how precious time was because he wouldnt be around forever, as children we took it for granted because in our minds, he would live forever. (I hope that makes sense).
For about the last year, my Daddy's health has slowly declined. I could no longer walk out my front door and look down at their house and see my Daddy sitting in the garage because walking that distance anymore hurt his knees and caused him to be unable to breathe. It took all he had to walk from his bedroom to the kitchen and back so our weekly trips to Wal-Mart became my weekly trips to Wal-Mart for him, or it would be a phone call at 7:30 am to ask me to bring this or that home with me after work, and about 5 more phones calls throughout my day to remind me to bring this or that home and maybe add an item or two... and you know what... sometimes, I'd be so busy I'd forget anyway and when I'd get home my phone would ring and I'd think... dangit! I forgot! so a special trips I'd make or he'd say... just remember tomorrow.
I recall one day back in January I believe I looked at my call log on my cellphone and in the 30 days prior I had recieved 159 phone calls from Mom & Dad's number.... 159 in 30 days! Its no wonder my cell carrier loves me! If I was at work and Dad would call, sometimes I'd be tied up with a client and couldnt answer he'd leave me a message and then comment that he always gets the "go to h*ll message" (my voicemail). I'd tell him, its not that I dont want to answer the phone for you everytime, I'm just busy! he'd tell me he knows but likes to give me a hard time. I'm so used to his calling, whether it be for a loaf of bread or a 2am call saying he needed to go to the hospital that I'd carry my cell everywhere I go and its alway on 24/7.... just in case Dad called. This is a habit I'm having a hard time breaking. I came back to work Monday and I'd watch my phone waiting on it to ring, it never did. I finally broke down and called myself just to make sure it was working. I really do miss my Daddy.
Nothing on this earth prepared me for the phone call I got last Monday morning. When my Mom told me my Daddy was gone I was in total shock. I don't remember driving home, I just remember leaving the office and suddenly I was at Mom and Dads running into the house. I went back to his room, I held his hand and cried. I couldnt believe it this had to be a bad dream, he was lying in his bed in the position he always slept in, this simply couldnt' be true, he looks peaceful like he's sleeping but why isnt he snoring? damnit why?
Please someone tell me I'm dreaming!!! I need to wake up from this nightmare!
But the fact remained, I was living this nightmare. My worst fear had come true. I lost my Daddy. I lost the one man that I could depend on for anything. He was my friend, he was my hero, he was my lighthouse... that beacon of light that would shine and guide me through those dark times. He was gone.... now what am I going to do?
I couldnt answer that question until Saturday. I went to the cemetery where my Daddy's body is laid and I talked to his grave and I cried and I cried and then, I cried some more. I told my Daddy everything I was feeling and how much he meant to me, just in case he didnt know it while he was alive. By the time all was said and done, I felt better, I felt at ease. Words simply can't describe what I fell to be honest. Yes I realize that My Daddy is in a better place, that he's walking without a cane and feels no pain, he's breathing with no problems and no longer needs his inhaler, Noone is asking him to repeat things because they can't understand his thick German accent, he's perfect! He's among those he's loved and lost and someday I'll see him again. But I'm selfish and I'd give anything to have him back, even if for one more day so i can tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him.
I miss Daddy so much, I miss his laugh, I miss him accent, I miss his hugs, I miss his constant phone calls, I miss everything my life hasn't been the same since his passing but as Bro. Ralph said at his funeral service, "God doesn't make mistakes". That's so true in so many aspects of our lives. I've said this numerous times to Nathaniel that Pa's death isnt good-bye... its UNTIL THEN. I've accepted (as much as one can accept) the fact that my Daddy isnt coming home (just dont ask me to change anything in his room cause its not happening) but I take comfort in knowing I'll see him again when God calls me home, until then... I'm not alone for my Daddy is always with me... he's forever in my heart and he's watching over me from heaven (even in death, he's still my beacon of light). Until then Daddy.... I love you!
As most of you know, my Daddy passed away on March 16th. This was a totally devestating blow to me as my Daddy was my world (aside from my kids) .
When the property below me came up for sale 5 years ago, I along with my siblings, convinced my parents to sale the house I grew up in and buy the house being built below me and they did! We did this not because we wanted them in debt but because we wanted them closer to us kids so we (I) could take care of them. For 5 of the 8 years I've owned my home, my parents have been my neighbors. I can't tell you how many times, I've "lost" one of my children who are supposed to be outside in the back yard playing only to find them at Grandma and Pa's.. WHEW! I want to fuss and tell them how they scared the bejezzes out of me but my parents would shhh me and tell me that they were just visiting with Grandma/Pa. I never gave any thought to the numerous times, I'd look out my window and see my kids riding their bicycles while Pa watched from his chair in the garage. They were free from worries and he was sooo very proud of them. I cannot say my chilren aren't loved because that would simply be a lie. The are loved and they were the light of my Daddy's world.
Growing up my Daddy worked a lot and I do mean A LOT! When he was home, we learned quickly what we could and couldn't do. We knew we DID NOT talk during the news, we knew that we would watch what Dad wanted to watch, no questions. But it wasnt bad (as I look back, if you'd have asked me then I might have had a different answer). As with any parent/child relationship there were rocky times growing up when I thought my parents didnt have a clue what I was going through or simply didnt care, they just wanted to be mean to me.... just saying they were looking out of my best interest, like they KNEW what MY BEST INTEREST WERE! Yes, I was a typical teenager! We've all been there, don't lie! All in all, I can't complain about my childhood because my parents did their absolute best and I think I turned out ok.
After I had children of my own, I grew to understand my parents a bit more. Yes way back when, they did have my best interest in mind and I was simply to young and stupid to know this. I only THOUGHT I had all the answers, when truth be known, I didnt have a clue. Grandchildren have a way of changing a person though. The same man that worked all the time while I was growing up had retired and he spent a lot of time with his grandkids. He'd walk up the hill to my house just to see them and hang out with me or the kids would go to their house and hang out with Pa (he'd sneak them all the goodies that Mommy wouldnt let them have and laugh about it). He'd go outside and watch them ride their bikes and when the news came on, sometimes he didnt bother changing the channel, he's let them continue to watch their cartoons or if he was watching the news, they never got shhhh'd like we did. Yeah, grandkids changed my Daddy and made me respect him even more.
I love my Daddy unconditionally and I never wanted to see him hurt, so when he had a heart attack while driving a few years back, I didnt think twice before I asked him to give me his keys. I didnt ask him to give up driving for myself, I did it for him. When I got the phone call at my office that I needed to go to Methodist because my Dad had been in an auto accident and noone would tell me anything, I was honestly scared. I didnt know if I was going to the ER or the the morge. I was only as I was pulling into the hospital parking lot that I learned where I needed to go, it was an ER nurse and he said that my Daddy had been asking for me and asked him to call me. I told him I was outside and I'd be right in. I wouldnt let my Daddy down. I joked from then on that one day when Dad's in heaven my phone was going to ring and it be God because my Daddy had given him my cell phone number! He'd laugh that laugh only he could do. God I miss his laugh....
I learned of my fathers heart attack after I got to the hospital, over the course of the next year it was in and out of the hospital for one heart surgery after another and finally we was told that at this point there was nothing else they could do for my Daddy's heart. He was over 80 years old and had had so many procedures for his heart that there was simply nothing left to do. The doctor simply told us, we needed to go home and enjoy the time we had left with Dad. That was 3 years ago! He beat so many odds and we shared so many memories after that!
After giving up his keys, my Daddy became dependent on his children and I know he hated it. He didnt like to ask for anything, he always wanted to be the one to give not take. He'd call me up and ask me to take him here or there.... that one stop would usually turn into 3 or 4 and I can't tell you how many times I became irriated because I had things I needed to do too. (my sibilings are guilty of this too, don't let them fool you). Every Saturday we'd make our way to Wal-Mart for loaves of bread, milk and cereal (and that was the extent of his shopping list) occassionally, we'd have to get cat food and dog food. He grew to love those trips because not only he got out of the house, I think he liked to see how dangerous he could be with that motorized shopping cart. My ankles have grown immune to the pain! He'd accidently run into me and I'd make comments .... see Dad, that's why you don't drive! and he'd laugh. (my siblings can vouch for this, he did the same to them). There were times I'd complain about having to take Daddy to the store because whenever he'd call he wanted it done, right then. It didnt matter if you had other plans. He didnt do this because he was selfish or inconsiderate, he did it I think because he was bored and he just wanted to spend time with his kids. Daddy knew how precious time was, because as parents we know these things and as children we are clueless. Thinking back, its like being a teenager all over again... Parents know and children only think they know. Daddy knew how precious time was because he wouldnt be around forever, as children we took it for granted because in our minds, he would live forever. (I hope that makes sense).
For about the last year, my Daddy's health has slowly declined. I could no longer walk out my front door and look down at their house and see my Daddy sitting in the garage because walking that distance anymore hurt his knees and caused him to be unable to breathe. It took all he had to walk from his bedroom to the kitchen and back so our weekly trips to Wal-Mart became my weekly trips to Wal-Mart for him, or it would be a phone call at 7:30 am to ask me to bring this or that home with me after work, and about 5 more phones calls throughout my day to remind me to bring this or that home and maybe add an item or two... and you know what... sometimes, I'd be so busy I'd forget anyway and when I'd get home my phone would ring and I'd think... dangit! I forgot! so a special trips I'd make or he'd say... just remember tomorrow.
I recall one day back in January I believe I looked at my call log on my cellphone and in the 30 days prior I had recieved 159 phone calls from Mom & Dad's number.... 159 in 30 days! Its no wonder my cell carrier loves me! If I was at work and Dad would call, sometimes I'd be tied up with a client and couldnt answer he'd leave me a message and then comment that he always gets the "go to h*ll message" (my voicemail). I'd tell him, its not that I dont want to answer the phone for you everytime, I'm just busy! he'd tell me he knows but likes to give me a hard time. I'm so used to his calling, whether it be for a loaf of bread or a 2am call saying he needed to go to the hospital that I'd carry my cell everywhere I go and its alway on 24/7.... just in case Dad called. This is a habit I'm having a hard time breaking. I came back to work Monday and I'd watch my phone waiting on it to ring, it never did. I finally broke down and called myself just to make sure it was working. I really do miss my Daddy.
Nothing on this earth prepared me for the phone call I got last Monday morning. When my Mom told me my Daddy was gone I was in total shock. I don't remember driving home, I just remember leaving the office and suddenly I was at Mom and Dads running into the house. I went back to his room, I held his hand and cried. I couldnt believe it this had to be a bad dream, he was lying in his bed in the position he always slept in, this simply couldnt' be true, he looks peaceful like he's sleeping but why isnt he snoring? damnit why?
Please someone tell me I'm dreaming!!! I need to wake up from this nightmare!
But the fact remained, I was living this nightmare. My worst fear had come true. I lost my Daddy. I lost the one man that I could depend on for anything. He was my friend, he was my hero, he was my lighthouse... that beacon of light that would shine and guide me through those dark times. He was gone.... now what am I going to do?
I couldnt answer that question until Saturday. I went to the cemetery where my Daddy's body is laid and I talked to his grave and I cried and I cried and then, I cried some more. I told my Daddy everything I was feeling and how much he meant to me, just in case he didnt know it while he was alive. By the time all was said and done, I felt better, I felt at ease. Words simply can't describe what I fell to be honest. Yes I realize that My Daddy is in a better place, that he's walking without a cane and feels no pain, he's breathing with no problems and no longer needs his inhaler, Noone is asking him to repeat things because they can't understand his thick German accent, he's perfect! He's among those he's loved and lost and someday I'll see him again. But I'm selfish and I'd give anything to have him back, even if for one more day so i can tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him.
I miss Daddy so much, I miss his laugh, I miss him accent, I miss his hugs, I miss his constant phone calls, I miss everything my life hasn't been the same since his passing but as Bro. Ralph said at his funeral service, "God doesn't make mistakes". That's so true in so many aspects of our lives. I've said this numerous times to Nathaniel that Pa's death isnt good-bye... its UNTIL THEN. I've accepted (as much as one can accept) the fact that my Daddy isnt coming home (just dont ask me to change anything in his room cause its not happening) but I take comfort in knowing I'll see him again when God calls me home, until then... I'm not alone for my Daddy is always with me... he's forever in my heart and he's watching over me from heaven (even in death, he's still my beacon of light). Until then Daddy.... I love you!
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This is an absolutely beautiful post and it had me in tears by the time I finished reading it. What a loving tribute to your Daddy. I am honored to have been allowed to read this.
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